My dad can currently swallow and walk with a walking frame. He is way much better than he was last time when he had stroke for the first time. Egypt is clearly a blessed land and the test given by Allah is surely to bring our family closer. On the other hand, Allah is fixing my relationship towards people.
I can see Allah is opening clear and vast road after the fall. I'll be leaving Egypt tomorrow and I have develop a sense of love towards this place. Although the culture and language are different but I can't help myself to fall in love with it. It's truly a blessed land.
On the recent post of being a man in my own way and somehow downgrading man, I have now figure it out. Basically all human are incompetent man or woman. But I see for myself towards man as redundancy while woman as complement. Most probably, my dad wanted a son as I remembered myself wearing my brother's clothing in most pictures taken. He always mentioned "Smartnya Adik". So that's how I think the redundancy starts towards man and complement towards woman.
But I do not mind at all as long as I do not cross any lines now. On another note, my supervisor is currently giving his support but I still need to persuade him on the appointment of co-supervisor. Most probably, I just need to focus on my writing now. I might be composing papers and thesis in the flight.
I think the pathway with obstacle is cleared now. The obstacle might be an illusion in my head I sincerely feel it.
Being a Man | 27 Rabiul Akhir 1437H
February 06, 2016
I've returned to Malaysia yesterday but with a heavy heart as I had to leave my parents behind in Cairo. I do not know how Allah made me return to Malaysia first with no doubt in my heart of leaving my parents in Cairo. But when I figure it out, Allah wanted to bring Kak Dena back to Cairo to see Ayah's condition and help out as she is a medical doctor. Somehow it reminds me of Musa A.S. as his mother was commanded to place him in a basket and being flown by the blessed Nile River. My path is different as it was the other way round.
Important Event (Flash Back): My dad suddenly had a brain stroke when we were nearly off to the airport and we did not know at all. Kak Dena was in Malaysia, on call and dreamt that Ayah had a stroke. Her dream was true.
We assumed it was a heat stroke at first as Ayah was wearing thermal inside the house. Along, Angah, Mama and Bawan took off his clothes and let's him cool down as he said he was hot. Ayah tried to stand up, he end up falling to the ground but luckily he did not hit his head. He was weak and I could not do anything maybe because I could not brain the situation. Ayah is strong and always will be, I think that was always stored in my head. I had no mercy towards my dad when it comes to strength as I know Ayah always let's me be strong like him. The principle I apply is when you get sick or tired, just rest and shake it off. Bawan called for Airport Assist and a wheelchair to escort Ayah and us.
Ayah vommited, content was strawberries. By this time he was dehydrated and he was brought to a clinic in the airport and is not fit to fly. When we were in the van outside the airport, Ayah said he wants to rest and not well to fly. I asked Mama to stayback with him. But Bawan insisted on bringing him into the airport first. Maybe Bawan has his own reasons. Mama stayed back with Ayah.
In my head at that moment, should I stayback as well? My head and heart synced this time by saying "No". I was questioning myself, "Why so heartless?". Clearly Allah has His reasons for making me felt and decided that way. I can't contribute much as I do not know what Ayah is going through. Kak Dena knows well as she is a doctor and Allah made me left my parents to bring her back to my parents.
I remembered a movie on the TV I watched with Ayah but I couldn't remember the title and it was not "Taken" but similar.Might be an older version as the Hero was trying to save her daughter from bad guys. Ayah somewhat said " Ayah tak kuat macam tu, kalau jadi dekat adik". But somehow, I know everyone has their limit in being strong.
Allah taught me a lot when I was Egypt compared to being in Istanbul believe. First was Jabal Musa, it was a test of strength of the body, heart and brain. Along said that tests from Allah is certain as Egypt is a blessed place where many Prophets of Allah are sent to this land. I sincerely believe when Allah tests me, Allah increases His Love, Mercy and Everything that is good towards me. Plus my degree of faith towards Him increases.
The hardest part of the climb was the 750 steps. Before that, I assisted Kak Dena on her way to the toilet at the edge of the mountain. I hold my pee until I went down the mountain to make things easier for Kak Dena and I. My hands were frozen and Kak Dena asked me to zip her sweater. Turns out I broke the zip by accident and got scolded for not thinking. Going down the mountain was the hardest as Allah tested Kak Dena with anxiety as she fears for her life if she falls down the mountain. I guided her at first but I was slowing everyone else down, so I asked the guide to help her.
Before that, Angah was pissed at me for not briefing her that our trip to Sharm El Sheikh was 3 Days and 2 Nights. Angah also felt that I slammed the laptop beside her while she was charging her phone and etc using my laptop. I was not doing that at all. Mama was not doing well as her knees hurt while walking and Ayah is currently at Ain Shams Hospital. I am alright knowing it is all a test and restrengthen our relationship as a family.
Going up and down Jabal Musa, I can see the strength of man that I continously feel jealous at. But I come to realize, I can be strong physically. I just need to exercise and do my physiotheraphy more seriously to strengthen my back and shoulder. I notice that my physical is no longer strong while my mental and heart are getting stronger each day from what Allah taught me. Now, I think Allah wants to increase me in physical strength.
In another note, I find man unattractive yet incompetent and find woman otherwise. Honestly I opt to be a man if I were to be given the decision as I want to take care of the women as man are care takers of women. But Allah have made me a girl and I think I get His point when I turn 25 in Hijri calendar. A woman can be care takers of women but it is not her responsibility while it is for man. I think I would end up single being a woman because I find man incompetent towards this responsibility. Definitely if I was a guy, I will marry to carry this responsibility but then I would serve my mum first until her last day before getting married or might marry next year due to hormonal issues. I will be better as a man. But wait,I do not know. I am just evaluating myself based on my perception.
I know marrying is a sunnah and I 100% think people should marry but they are scholars whom are not married because they want to serve the deen more. My stance would be where Allah leads me and I don't find getting married in the picture yet. This suddenly being kept as a note as I missed a few weddings while I was in Egypt.
I'll be a man in my own way and I will face all test with my heart open wide. I rather suffer in this world because of Allah and be successful in the hereafter rather than following my desires in this world and feel the torture of the afterlife. Allah is fixing my relationship towards my family and the people nearest to me. But I've always felt like a son more than a daughter. I definitely feel I am a fixer and for that I am keeping Lang and will fix her as well. Oh Allah, I know I have an idiotic behaviour when it comes to saying things but as Your slave, You definitely know me best.
Oh Allah, I know I am always at fault and a sinner but let my faith towards You increase day by day as I am definitely a learner at heart and wash all away my sins cleanly before meeting You in peace on Judgement Day with Your Mercy. I plan to be dead early but forgiven completely by Allah and the ones I have contacted with as this world is typically a prison for a believer. In the end, I want to die happy In sha Allah.
P/s: Felt a bit manly when I hike on Jabal Musa without complaining. Idiotic thought? Sorry I would always be this way unless written otherwise in Lauh Mahfudz
P/p/s: I really think that Lauh Mahfudz is a clear and accurate book but I somehow feel every of our action has its own probabilities written in the Blessed Book. But only Allah knows its true content and He knows it clearly. We are human, we just strive our hardest to be good.
Save yourself first or make sacrifices to help others? | 15 Safar 1437H (From Putrajaya-KLIA2-Perth)
November 26, 2015
Now, for today’s story. I planned to go early to the airport to finish up the slides. It turns out that I was just on time and couldn’t even turn on my laptop for work. A friend of mine, Adibah mentioned that she’ll arrived around 9.22am but the boarding time is 9.10am. I was freaking worried because her boarding pass is with me.
A foreigner then approached me while waiting for the train. She wanted to meet her friend in the airport. So I asked her, KLIA or KLIA2. She mentioned KLIA and I said I will go to KLIA2 but I can help you out. When we board the train, she showed me her friend’s WhatsApp message that she was in KLIA2. So I asked her just to follow me directly.
When I arrived, I assisted her until the arrivals level which is situated in Level 2.Then, I continued the boarding pass mission. I’ve asked the policeman if I could leave the pass with him. He mentioned no, but you can try leaving it to the information counter. I asked for the receptionist help and she agrees.
Then I said to myself, I should make sadaqah and pray Dhuha to ask for ease for this trip. After solat, when I was lining up for to enter gate P, Adibah called out my name. I was happy. She was on time. Then we went to the P6 gate. Apparently, for traveling in the Australia, Air Asia needs to verify our ETA first. I actually tried doing that in the Air Asia counter situated in KL Sentral but they said they could not check. So we waited for a few minutes. Adibah’s passport was verified but mine had a problem because I’ve applied the visa twice. So I waited until 9.50am and it was settled when suddenly a passenger had major problem of not having a visa (ETA) to travel. So I helped her out by giving her the website to apply visa.
She actually requested me to apply for her directly. So I helped her out because of mine was settled. Then, I was afraid I would miss my flight because it’s supposed to depart at 10.10am but Adibah ensured me that the flight was not going anywhere when not all passengers have board the plane. We managed to help her out in the end. When I board the plane, one of her family member asked if she made it. I replied that I’ve applied Visa for her. After the plane went flying high in the sky, the lady that we’ve helped came to my place and gave me a hug for helping her. She also mentioned that, when we help others, others will help us back whether it’s the person you’ve help or somebody else because God sent His help through this. All that happened today was a gift/rizk from Allah. I am grateful to be a traveler.